Please, attenuate your cacophony.

This is something that I wrote several months ago, that I thought I would share.

So please attenuate your need to complicate the gravity of this situation.

'Cause I'm feeling light as a feather, stiff as a board.

Oops! Did I just say that out loud, in front of the hoard?

Ha! You know me. Always putting jokes where I feel they should be.

Seriously though. Not even Newton could bring me down from this high I feel

When you are, or aren't around.

Some jokers will say there should be no smile on my face.

Because there's no love story, and I didn't go at their pace.

All I can do is laugh and feel sorry for you.

'Cause the words I'm spitting right now?

This is truth.

Cheesecake, The Fountainhead and "John"

Have you ever noticed that books and relationships are like food? Stay with me here.
     Popcorn for example. Steady munching until you get to the bottom of the bowl. Not necessarily a meal or really substantial at all, but tasty none the less. Tacos? Plow through! Man, they taste so good, and they're hot and the taco juice is dripping down your arms, and you just can't wait to get to the next one. They fill you up and you're super stoked about the margarita special. Chinese food? You can eat and eat and eat and be so stuffed that you think you may actually explode. The minute you leave the restaurant however, that feeling is gone and you realize that while it tastes good, it will never actually satisfy you in the long term. Then there's turtle cheesecake. You could spend an hour eating the sliver that is on your plate. You actually get pleasure just by looking at it in anticipation of the next bite. It melts in your mouth, and even though it's amazing, you would never actually have more than one slice in a single sitting, because it would ruin the magic somehow.
     Fox in Socks is a super fun book. It may not go down on the list of "classics" that everyone is required to read to make people all think the same, but you laugh, your tongue gets tied in knots and in the end you realize that maybe taking a chance on something new and different isn't all bad. Even if originally you think that you "would not could not with a fox". *Wiggles eyebrows* The Harry Potter series? Oh man! Once you get in that world, you can't get enough! Every step the characters take is magical and so much different than your own, or is it surprisingly similar? You laugh, cry, smile, get pissed and confused, but above all, you enjoy the journey with these unlikely friends that you've made along the way. The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo series? While you're in it, you're taken over by the mystery and politics of the world. The things that happen are like some sort of bizarre train wreck that you would hope would never happen to you, but you can't seem to look away from. You love it while you're there, but when you're done, you realize that you don't ever have to read it again because you've learned all you can from it. The Fountainhead? Everyone tells you that the author is evil and crazy, you read it anyway. Nothing is like you expect it to be. It's real life but surreal at the same time. You think about reading it all the time, but when you sit down to dig in, two chapters go by and you're satisfied. You don't want to rush. You want to contemplate every word because it brings new light into your world. If you read it too fast, you may miss something, and somehow you feel as if that would be a crime committed against yourself.
     "Brad". He's hot. He sees you dancing at the club, and wants to join. He boosts your confidence because of said hotness, you dance the night away. The next day you don't remember his name or anything about him because you know he's not forever, just for that brief moment. "Steve". He's new and interesting. You spend every waking moment thinking about him and what he would say or do in any given situation. You may even daydream about "what if". In the end, you both realize that you're not to be involved romantically. You may be friends forever, or you may look back on him occasionally and think fondly of the times you had together. "Ryan". He seems like everything you want. Cute, smart, funny. You get caught up in the whirlwind. You make plans together. Everything's perfect, until it's not. He turns out to be exactly what you don't want. The relationship that used to glitter in the sun is now toxic and suffocating. It was a fast burning candle and you are lucky to have escaped with your life. "John". He's so palatable to you, and you don't know anything about him. You're interested in his views on everything, but don't ask because you are happy to go with the flow. You throw out the rule book with him because he gives you that confidence to just be in the moment. When you do think of him, there's not an anxious bone in your body. You don't feel like you have to know what he's been doing at every moment, because if it's important, it will make the headlines when you see each other again. It seems like you have all the time in the world to savor every moment.

The Tale of The Sunflower Named Rose

The Tale of The Sunflower Named Rose

There once was a young sunflower that bloomed in a field. This sunflower’s name was Rose. She didn’t know much at that point, but she knew that her Creator had placed her there for a reason. The reason she was in this field, she was quite certain, was to make people smile. As if by looking at her, she could somehow reflect the goodness and joy and beauty of the world. When she woke every day, Rose would seek out the sun, and put a glowing smile on her face. Sometimes people would walk by and exclaim “My, what a beautiful flower! So happy and bright!” and while Rose didn’t always believe what the people said, she stood tall and jovial none the less. Now this went on for several years, and while Rose had problems like every flower, rocks trying to get in the way of her growth and that sort of thing, she was content. She knew that she was doing the right thing by standing in her field, making people feel happy when they were in her presence.

One day, a man walked by. He was one of the people that was usually the first to exclaim at Rose’s wonderful demeanor. She stood up tall and bright, seeking the sun, as he passed, but instead of feeling good, he became angry, because this sunflower was so happy, and he was not. He continued to walk by every day and became increasingly dismal in his attitude. Rose didn’t know what to do. She felt as if she had failed. As if somehow, she wasn’t good enough, that she must have developed some flaw to make this man so unhappy. She started waking up with a sense of un-sureness about her. Her Creator would whisper all sorts of wonderful things to her in the wind. How she was loved, and that no one should make her feel as if she was anything less than a perfect gem, but the feelings of inadequacy remained. As the years passed, Rose would think about the wonderful things that were said in the wind, and she would try ever so hard to remain something beautiful to look at, and be around. She didn’t want anyone else to discover this mystery flaw that the man had found, and she started to wonder if she would ever feel whole again. Time passed this way for quite a while. People would still walk by and exclaim wonderful things about her, but Rose knew that she was a fraud. That try as she might, she was never as happy as she seemed.

She continued to put on a brave face to the world, and one day a handsome boy came to visit her field. This boy stood out to Rose. “If I can make him happy.” She thought “Then I will prove to myself that the man was wrong.” So that was her new purpose, to make this handsome boy the happiest person in her world. Every day she would wake with only his happiness in mind. When storms came, she would face them head on, trying to shield the boy from the rain and the lightning.  It made her feel alive to pour all of this goodness into someone else, and she expected that when the boy was truly happy, that his happiness would overflow back into her life. Unfortunately, this was not the case. The boy started calling Rose names, awful names that reminded her of the secret flaw, of all her inadequacies and insecurities. She thought that she would stay strong and continue to pour goodness into the boy. If she could do that, things would get better, and no one would need to know how unhappy she felt at that moment. Things didn’t get better. In fact, they got worse. The boy became jealous when people walked through the field and said nice things about his sunflower. How dare they be able to look at something that was his? The boy became enraged and built a cage around Rose. He let vile things spill from his lips, and Roses cage became darker and more solitary, and every day she believed, a little more, the things that he said to her.

Rose’s Creator watched these events from the sky. It saddened Him to think that she believed this was her fate. That she had forgotten herself, and the purpose that He had placed within her. He was distraught that this boy had twisted her wish to make him happy, into a death wish. He watched for many years, and never left her side. He knew, in His wisdom, that Rose would need to break free on her own if she was going to regain a sense of herself again. He waited and watched and whispered merciful goodness to her through the wind.

Rose was in complete surrender to the boy. She thought that if she did what the boy wanted, and hid her beauty from the world, that he would realize that her only dream, was of his happiness.

The Creator couldn’t watch Rose’s turmoil any more. He sent a couple into Rose’s field one day while the boy was away. The couple came to her cage and asked her what was wrong. She couldn’t tell them at first. She was such a failure. Her one goal had been to make the boy happy, and she had failed so miserably. The couple remained there, asking what was wrong. Eventually Rose told them of her unhappiness, and she took all the blame on herself. “I don’t love him the way that he needs. It’s my fault that he is so miserable.” The couple listened to Rose’s story of the man and then the boy and that she didn’t know how she had become this empty shell. They told her that these men had pushed their own feelings of inadequacy on to her. They gently reminded her of the person that she once was, and the person she could be again. Rose felt a peace wash over her that she hadn’t felt in years. Suddenly, it all became clear.

The very next day, Rose told the boy that although she loved him very much, she could not allow him to be in her field anymore. She didn’t cry, and was not emotional about it, for she had become completely numb through the years. This simple fact scared her more than all the time of torture. How had she become so numb? Would she ever feel anything again?

Every day after the boy left the field, Rose tried to remember who she was. She still felt as if she were in the dark clutches of the cage, but every once in a while, a piece of that cage would fall to the ground. The cage became walls. Rose could finally stand up straight again, and see the people, as they could see her, but she couldn’t allow anyone to get close to her. She still needed the walls to protect her from getting hurt, or falling for someone else’s lies. The Creator never left her, and reminder her daily that she was His most amazing creation, that she was perfect in His sight, and that He would never ever leave her. She became stronger and let her walls down a few times. Most of the time she got hurt, but reminded herself that even feelings of sadness were preferable to no feelings at all.

I visited Rose today in her field. She is happy and no longer has even a shadow of that old cage. She wakes every day to find the sun on her face, and knows that she can make people feel better with just a simple smile. She has become even stronger and more beautiful because she has suffered. She is open, and does not worry of heartbreak, or pain, for she knows that, with the help of her Creator, she will not only survive, but grow through the storms. She has blossomed into a flower that far surpasses the one she was before. She is vivid. Full of life and thankful for every breath she breathes.

Conundrum

Floating.
I feel my mind drift
Across mountains and valleys
Oceans and deserts.
I am happy.
I am content.
I am restless.
I feel I am on the verge
Of the rest of my life.
Like dreams that I didn't know existed
Are suddenly within my grasp.
As though possibilities are endless
And skies are clear.
Simultaneously with these
Feelings of wellness
I see a storm
Looming in the distance.
My heart says "Enjoy the moment!"
"Seize the good day while it's here!"
While my mind is plagued
With the knowledge of
Approaching turmoil.
Will my heart stand up to my mind?
Which of these opponents
Will win out in the end?
I feel as if to
Follow my heart
Will take me right to
The eye of the storm
Facing its rage head on
Leaving me bruised and battered.
While listening to my mind
Is more safe.
It is the cowards way.
What lesson will I learn
By trying to avoid the storm?
By skirting around the doom
That I can see
What tragedy will I meet
In the blackness?
"I will not cower!"
I scream at the clouds
And the thunder and lightning
That grow increasingly loud.
"I will face you and come out on
The other side
Stronger and more resilient
Than before!"


~Me

Say what you need to say

     I'm angry. In my last post I explained about how someone very close to me had been given a terminal diagnosis. At first I wasn't dealing with this information at all. Push it down, don't think about it, get distracted by anything else. I guess now I'm in the angry phase. Who am I angry with? My ex-husband. Weird right? We have been apart for almost a year and a half, and I have not had any ill feelings toward him until recently. I guess when I got this news, I needed to tell someone that would understand. Someone that it was okay to be weak around. Even though our relationship sucked, I knew that I could go to him with whatever I was dealing with at the time, and he would be there. It's not like him listening fixed anything, but he knew how I processed things. I was looking through some photo albums recently, and seeing the pictures of the good times between us really made me mad. When I said "I do", I was prepared to be with this man forever. We had a future. We had plans. Now what? Because of his addiction to drugs and his abuse, I am now supposed to go through life by myself? I'm okay not being with anyone, but it sucks that he changed the plans we had made together. I am sad and angry for the couple that we started out as. We had stars in our eyes, and a wonderful future ahead of us. It didn't matter if we were broke and living in my parents basement. We had each other, and that should have been enough.
     I'm also mad about the fact that I'm angry. I'm a happy person, doggonit! It's highly irritating to have these uncontrollable emotions of angst.
     So... That's what's been on my mind lately. Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully the next post will be from a more up-beat place emotionally.

Insomnia update

     It's currently 5:02 on a Thursday morning. I have to be in class at 8:30am, and then work third shift tonight. Why am I not enjoying the last blissful moments of REM right now? Stupid insomnia. That's why. It's like my brain is sabotaging me. Oh well. I haven't posted in a while, and Hash Pipe is on my iPod. Carpe diem, right?
     There has been a lot going on as of late. As I mentioned, I am once again enrolled in college classes. Right now I'm taking a certification class that will hopefully help me transfer to a different position at my current workplace. After that happens (crosses fingers), I will be focusing my energy on getting some sort of degree in psychology. I really enjoy couples therapy, and would love to make money listening to other peoples drama. I have a bunch of drama in my own life that I'm avoiding at the moment, so it's nice to have something to zero in on.
     I can't give you many details. What I will share is that someone very close to me has been given a terminal diagnosis recently. I hate this news for the person that received it. They must be feeling scared, powerless and alone. Not to mention the physical pain of the illness. It may sound callous of me to say, but this person has so much to be grateful for in light of this situation. Yes. They're dying. We are all dying though, and most of us don't know when it's going to happen. This person could have gotten taken out in a car accident, been smothered by a cat, or even choked on a piece of popcorn, and died instantly. They have been given the gift of seeing their future. Being able to mend any grievances with their family, spend time laughing at randomness with their friends and eating whatever they want, cholesterol be damned? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me, all things considered. How will myself and the rest of my family deal with the aftermath? We'll figure it out as we go. God has a reason for allowing this trial in our lives. I believe that with all my heart.
     I guess that's all for now. I will post again soon. Hopefully there will be more sleep involved next time.

This haiku of pain

This haiku of pain

I try not to let it in

Letting you see me

Is not the way it should be

I am the strong one

The one that doesn't get bent

Or broken or cry

But I can't hold back further

I inhale this smoke

Because it hurts less than to

Face what's inside me

I smile when I want to run

Laugh instead of sob

If I were to let you in

You could hurt me too

These bitter pills, I can't take

You say I'm selfish

I say better than broken

Ripples

   Have you ever felt like the weight of the world is on your shoulders? Maybe not the entire world, but yours is plenty heavy on its own. I feel like that sometimes. It seems like I can't make any decisions for myself without imagining the thousands of possible effects that one decision will have on my family, my friends and my entire future. I always thought it was cool that if I had done one tiny thing differently, my present reality would be completely changed. Recently it's like the opposite thoughts are occurring. One tiny drop of indecision and over-analysis takes me out of the moment totally and catapults me into an unsure future of uncertainty and judgement.

Ripples on the Pond of Lifeby Von E. Weeks

Yesterday I saw something that delighted my intellect as the images caught my eye, The picturesque images that unfolded were as dazzling as colors of a rainbow filling the sky. The mental picture I discovered helped me to form a kaleidoscope in the recesses of my heart, I saw a community pulling together, loving a family whose child from earth, did recently depart. The insightful memories I received form this gathering are treasures of infinite worth, The lessons God taught me were rejuvenating and gave my value system order and rebirth. As adults we’re constantly seeking the acclaim and recognition of fortune, power, and fame, A child of twelve who sought only LOVE, received recognition that would put most leaders to shame. Last night at a memorial for this twelve-year-old girl, I realized our lives are like ripples in a pound, The behavior that we emulate causes ripples in the lives of other long after we are dead and gone. The outcome each life has on others, is so different, yet the effects of LOVE, is always the same, Some people are full of sorrow, some are burdened with sadness, and some have wild souls to tame. Success motivates some; some seek the praises of man, while other only want to please God, Those people most treasured, are those who seek and give LOVE while earth’s journey they plod. Love’s like a rock thrown into a pool, rippling through the life of others, changing the waters of life, As we travel through the pool of life, LOVE changes us cutting through our souls like a knife. What kind of a ripple will “YOU MAKE” as you swim the turbulent waters of mortality? Will you leave a legacy of loving friends and family, who cherish and treasure you as nobility? Will you seek a life of selfish gratification, indulging each one of your selfish little wants and needs? Or will you choose to follow the example of Christ and live for serving others in all of your deeds? No matter which path you follow you may receive adoration and praises as you leave this earthly realm, But the reasons for the praise will be completely different if LOVE is directing your helm. If LOVE is the reason your fellowmen stand and give their heart-felt adoration and praise, You can be sure that the souls of your friends were changed by the gift of your earthly days. If indulgence of your earthly needs is the achievements of your earthly strife and toil, Your passing will be no more important than a blade of grass wilting in infertile soil. So please remember each day you live your actions are gently rippling, making their mark, Change the direction your walking, it’s not going to be easy, because life’s not a walk in the park! Today I plead, open your eyes, and begin rippling you’re way into the very crevasse of another’s soul. Those ripples of LOVE will come back in waves of affection from your fellowman making you whole. May each of us come to understand that LOVE and service is the only worthwhile thing in life that we can do, And when our journey is over, it will be the LOVE for God and our fellowman, which carries us through. Dear God, Please grant me to have the wisdom to LOVE thee and my fellowman, properly every single day, So as I am remembered, for the deeds of my life, LOVE will be the predominate word my fellowman say.

Von E. Weeks Copyright 2003

The grass deserves to be greener?

   I was talking with a coworker recently about relationships. He was saying how sad it was that the divorce rate is so high in this country. According to statistics at http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/peo_div_rat-people-divorce-rate, almost five out of every one thousand people in the US are divorced.
   This conversation got me thinking. We talk about this generation not having the commitment levels of generations past. I propose that we have a higher commitment to ourselves. Stay with me here. I know this sounds selfish, but think about it. This is a completely different culture.
   Men used to be men. The man was expected to open doors, make the first move and bring home the bacon. They were intelligent, strong and capable of making the big decisions. If yesterdays man had an affair, was an alcoholic or roughed his family up, no one spared him a second glance as long as he was providing a good life for his family. Times change, some things have gotten better, but on the whole, I feel as though we have emasculated our men. Look at the movies. We have brooding, weak willed, follow us around like glittering little puppies as an example of "what women want". We've got guys telling their friends that if they have a girl that's willing to have no strings sex and the guy wants more then he must be crazy. We expect our men to watch chick flicks, talk about their feelings and go shopping with us like some damn trained dog. Is this really what women want??? We are sending our men mixed messages and then wonder why they aren't able to decode them.
   Women used to be women. The woman was graceful, supportive and quietly intelligent. They were expected to be good mothers, wives and managers of their homes. If they bucked the system and worked outside of the home, they could have a very fulfilling career as a secretary. It was absolutely absurd to hear of a woman leaving her husband. How would she survive? Today's woman is a bit different. Let's take a look at mainstream media again. We have women that only want a man that "makes bank". We've got women telling their friends that they should be promiscuous like the guys and not worry about it. Men want a woman that they can take home to momma, but what they find instead are a bunch of loud, obnoxious, uninhibited, disrespectful bimbos.
   We need a balance. It may be impossible, but this is what I would like personally. A man that is independent, intelligent, faithful to God and his partner and respects me for being an individual. I want to be a woman that is independent, intelligent, faithful to God and my partner and can respect my man for being his own person. He is capable of making the big decisions, but still discusses them with me because he values my input. Mutual respect. We trust each other because that trust has not been broken. To call him my best friend because we want to share our greatest fears and highest hopes together. Is it wrong for me to expect these simple concepts?

Still waters aren't the only ones that run deep

   When people meet me, they think that I'm this happy go lucky, no problems, got it all together, party animal type person. While that is what's on the surface, it's only what I allow most people to see. Do you want to know a little more? Do you want to peek behind the walls that I've built? Here are some random facts about me that will hopefully make you see more clearly.
1. I LOVE JESUS!
2. I have a drinking problem... Coffee and water are never far from my lips.
3. I have a serious reading addiction.
4. I trust too easily.
5. I really enjoy cooking.
6. I'm a workaholic. It's sick how much I enjoy working actually.
7. My camera is one of the serious loves of my life.
8. When the mood strikes I love to draw and/or paint.
9. I am learning to speak french.
10. I'm scared to let anyone in enough to hurt me again.
11. I have a fairly excellent vocabulary and still choose to use words like woot!
12. I'm a real music junkie. Honestly, you let me hear it, I will probably love it.
13. I fall in love very easily.
14. I'm addicted to an awesome atmosphere no matter what it involves.
15. I love animals.
16. "Art demands neurosis." ~Nora Roberts ... Says it all really.
17. I like using quotes to describe what I'm feeling.
18. I'm fiercely independent.
19. I'm a lot like my dad. That's an uncomfortable state of being for me.
20. Sex is my favorite thing to talk about.
21. I heart cleaning! It's perverse how much pleasure I derive from scrubbing the bathtub.
22. I LOVE DANCING!!!
23. I was a vegan for two weeks. I craved cheese so badly that I drew pictures of it.
24. I enjoy self discovery even when it's painful.
25. I occasionally smoke a cigarette to curb my rebellious nature.
26. I don't believe you have to share the artist's philosophy to acknowledge that there work is beautiful.
27. I get along better with males over females any day.
28. I enjoy making you uncomfortable.
29. I was home-schooled.
30. I have uber crushes on Jimmy Stewart and Marilyn Monroe.
31. I'm a bit OCD. Don't judge!
32. I hate it when people are fake.
33. I love interpreting dreams.
34. I really dig intelligent people.
35. I'm a peace maker, but I will not compromise my beliefs to make you feel better.
36. I think out loud. That doesn't necessarily mean that I'm looking for your opinion.
37. I love having curves.
38. CLUE is my favorite board game.
39. I've never been dumped, but I've had my heart broken more times than I can count.
40. I think mythology is super interesting.
41. My love language is quality time. If you like me, chill with me!
42. I <3 power tools.
43. I will watch almost any movie just to experience it.
44. After this list, I'm thinking I may be a little narcissistic. lol
45. I'm a collector. If you're interesting, I will take a look at what you like and normally adopt a few things.
46. I have a very hard time being patient.
47. I tend to be libidinous in my thinking.
48. I am a bit of a logophile.
49. I'm a foodie.
50. I'm a very spiritual person.

Raisin Bran

   I had my heart broken a few months back and realized that raisin bran is my heart break food. I went through an entire box in less than twenty-four hours. Since then I have been completely addicted. I am in fact, eating a bowl of it right now, which I chose over cocoa puffs and lucky charms. Anyway... My post today is about heartbreak and irony. Let me just give you some back story and then we can get down to the nitty-gritty.
   Ray and I were "talking" for almost five months. We get along incredibly well. We are both intelligent, honest, funny and have very similar upbringings. We have nicknames and inside jokes. We would have what I liked to call text dates, where we would literally text for six hours straight. Seems impossible right? How is it imaginable to talk to someone that much without running out of things to say? We have this flow where we can talk about everything from music to squirrel guts. We have a connection like I had never experienced before. We had both recently gotten out of very serious relationships and had been up front about not wanting to start anything. Well, after around the four and a half month mark, I started to want more. I wrote him a letter where I basically told him that I was ready for something to develop. I wanted it to be with him, but if he needed more time, or didn't feel the same way, I would try and respect that. Well, after receiving the letter, he informed me that he had been talking to another girl for the last two months, and that when he was ready, that's the direction he was leaning towards. I was crushed at first. How is it possible that I had once again allowed myself to fall for somebody that was not willing to reciprocate the same feelings? I felt foolish and lacking in some vague area. Time really does heal all wounds though. A few months have passed now and we are still the best of friends. In fact, we are closer than ever. A few days ago he came to me about this other girl. It seems that they have been "talking" for around five months now, and he wants a relationship but she isn't ready.  Ironic right? Not only that, he suspects that she is "talking" to someone else also. He is feeling exactly the way that he had made me feel just a few short months ago. Is that not bizarre? After we talked it out, I realized that this was not the first time that I had been in this situation.
   There are different variables and degrees of love and heartbreak in each instance, but the script is the same. "I like you, you like her, she likes the one that likes me." Have you been there? I would bet money that everyone knows, or has known, this sentiment. We all say "Why is it so hard to find someone? We would never treat people the way we have been treated in love.", but the truth is, we are all guilty of hurting someones feelings. It's inevitable. Say there's this guy that's got a thing for you, but you're not feeling him, so you don't return his phone calls because you don't want to lead him on. When the situation is reversed, and you're the one with the crush and no response, it eats you up inside.
   I don't know what to do with this realization.
   Love does exist. If we are honest with ourselves, we are all searching for it. What our souls crave is for that feeling of acceptance and understanding. The romance of science, when our bodies recognize in someone else what it lacks. What it takes to make us complete.