I'm angry. In my last post I explained about how someone very close to me had been given a terminal diagnosis. At first I wasn't dealing with this information at all. Push it down, don't think about it, get distracted by anything else. I guess now I'm in the angry phase. Who am I angry with? My ex-husband. Weird right? We have been apart for almost a year and a half, and I have not had any ill feelings toward him until recently. I guess when I got this news, I needed to tell someone that would understand. Someone that it was okay to be weak around. Even though our relationship sucked, I knew that I could go to him with whatever I was dealing with at the time, and he would be there. It's not like him listening fixed anything, but he knew how I processed things. I was looking through some photo albums recently, and seeing the pictures of the good times between us really made me mad. When I said "I do", I was prepared to be with this man forever. We had a future. We had plans. Now what? Because of his addiction to drugs and his abuse, I am now supposed to go through life by myself? I'm okay not being with anyone, but it sucks that he changed the plans we had made together. I am sad and angry for the couple that we started out as. We had stars in our eyes, and a wonderful future ahead of us. It didn't matter if we were broke and living in my parents basement. We had each other, and that should have been enough.
I'm also mad about the fact that I'm angry. I'm a happy person, doggonit! It's highly irritating to have these uncontrollable emotions of angst.
So... That's what's been on my mind lately. Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully the next post will be from a more up-beat place emotionally.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Insomnia update
It's currently 5:02 on a Thursday morning. I have to be in class at 8:30am, and then work third shift tonight. Why am I not enjoying the last blissful moments of REM right now? Stupid insomnia. That's why. It's like my brain is sabotaging me. Oh well. I haven't posted in a while, and Hash Pipe is on my iPod. Carpe diem, right?
There has been a lot going on as of late. As I mentioned, I am once again enrolled in college classes. Right now I'm taking a certification class that will hopefully help me transfer to a different position at my current workplace. After that happens (crosses fingers), I will be focusing my energy on getting some sort of degree in psychology. I really enjoy couples therapy, and would love to make money listening to other peoples drama. I have a bunch of drama in my own life that I'm avoiding at the moment, so it's nice to have something to zero in on.
I can't give you many details. What I will share is that someone very close to me has been given a terminal diagnosis recently. I hate this news for the person that received it. They must be feeling scared, powerless and alone. Not to mention the physical pain of the illness. It may sound callous of me to say, but this person has so much to be grateful for in light of this situation. Yes. They're dying. We are all dying though, and most of us don't know when it's going to happen. This person could have gotten taken out in a car accident, been smothered by a cat, or even choked on a piece of popcorn, and died instantly. They have been given the gift of seeing their future. Being able to mend any grievances with their family, spend time laughing at randomness with their friends and eating whatever they want, cholesterol be damned? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me, all things considered. How will myself and the rest of my family deal with the aftermath? We'll figure it out as we go. God has a reason for allowing this trial in our lives. I believe that with all my heart.
I guess that's all for now. I will post again soon. Hopefully there will be more sleep involved next time.
There has been a lot going on as of late. As I mentioned, I am once again enrolled in college classes. Right now I'm taking a certification class that will hopefully help me transfer to a different position at my current workplace. After that happens (crosses fingers), I will be focusing my energy on getting some sort of degree in psychology. I really enjoy couples therapy, and would love to make money listening to other peoples drama. I have a bunch of drama in my own life that I'm avoiding at the moment, so it's nice to have something to zero in on.
I can't give you many details. What I will share is that someone very close to me has been given a terminal diagnosis recently. I hate this news for the person that received it. They must be feeling scared, powerless and alone. Not to mention the physical pain of the illness. It may sound callous of me to say, but this person has so much to be grateful for in light of this situation. Yes. They're dying. We are all dying though, and most of us don't know when it's going to happen. This person could have gotten taken out in a car accident, been smothered by a cat, or even choked on a piece of popcorn, and died instantly. They have been given the gift of seeing their future. Being able to mend any grievances with their family, spend time laughing at randomness with their friends and eating whatever they want, cholesterol be damned? Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me, all things considered. How will myself and the rest of my family deal with the aftermath? We'll figure it out as we go. God has a reason for allowing this trial in our lives. I believe that with all my heart.
I guess that's all for now. I will post again soon. Hopefully there will be more sleep involved next time.
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