The Sarai Mentality

            I just got back from an hour and a half long walk with my dog. A month ago, even the thought of that much activity was impossible. What’s changed? My job, but on another level, my whole outlook on life. I went from working an extremely physically and mentally exhausting position, to a desk job. The spiritual journey that this shift led me on was enlightening, to say the least.

            Several months back, I was drained to the point of empty. My job at the hospital was something that was very rewarding, but had become so hectic, that I was having to try and pump myself up, mentally, in between every patient, where in the past, that kind of pep talk was only required on Monday morning. My back and feet, literally, never stopped hurting. I lost almost all empathy, sympathy, and compassion for the people that I was taking care of. I would pray that people wouldn’t want to talk to me, because I just had no energy to keep that smile on my face. I was in school, and feeling frustrated because I felt, at the rate I was progressing, I’d graduate by the time I was eighty. Every spare minute was spent studying, and I wasn’t retaining much as I was so drained. Another thing that was killing me was living so far away from my family. Every weekend was spent agonizing over the fact that I desperately wanted to spend time with them, but couldn’t afford the gas that it would take to get me there. Sounds bleak, huh?

            I was so depressed that I was crying on an almost daily basis. My family and friends have no idea that I was this low. When I ended my marriage, I became more independent, when my dad died, I grew closer to God, every hard time I had ever been through had strengthened me, but for the last 6-8 months, I was dying inside, and couldn’t seem to crawl out of the funk that I was living in.

            I’ve always been a very take charge kind of person. If I want good grades, I study. If I want to drink good beer without worrying about the calories, I eat yogurt and granola bars for lunch. If I want to see back-to-back concerts, I ask for overtime so I can afford to go. Despite my strong faith, I had developed a bit of a Sarai complex. You know in the Bible, God promises to bless Abram with a whole mess of decedents, Sarai is like “We’re super old, maybe God wanted you to have kids with my handmaiden, Hagar…” I see the goal, and I want to make it happen. What’s wrong with giving God a little help, when He has bigger fish to fry? Everything.

            I knew that I needed a change, so I sought it out. I actually was hired on two separate occasions for jobs that I thought were “perfect” for me. Perfect, except that I would have to work third shift at first (No problem, more money!) Perfect, except I wouldn’t have Sundays off (I could join a Bible study!) Perfect, except… I was constantly making exceptions for things that weren’t right for me. After the last door was slammed in my face, I lost it. I cried and prayed for weeks. I didn’t understand why God was rubbing my nose in that fact that I was stuck and miserable. The first few weeks, that’s what my prayers consisted of: “I don’t understand.” Eventually, they sounded more like: “I don’t understand. Not my will though, God. Yours is the one I want.” After months, I came into this place of peace. When I would pray about the things that were weighing me down, they would turn into prayers of thanksgiving for the abundant blessings that I had been given, and the fact that God knows what I’m going through. He sees me. All the time. He also sees my future. I came to a point that I prayed, and really wanted God’s will in my life, and if this was it, than He would give me the strength to endure. A week passed and a woman that I had become friends with offered me a job. A job with no weekends, no physical labor, and a raise! What!?! I didn’t seek it out, I sought God’s will, and He provided in a way that I wouldn’t have dared ask for! I also moved closer to my family, and the rent is cheaper! What!?! I didn’t seek it out, I sought God’s will, and He provided in a way that I wouldn’t have dared ask for! Because of the new job, where I’m allowed to read at my desk, I was able to double my course load for next semester! What!?! I didn’t seek it out, I sought God’s will, and He provided in a way that I wouldn’t have dared ask for!

            I started looking at the rest of my life. Where else had the Sarai mentality taken over? I realized that I have made exceptions and excuses for male companions, my whole life! I know that there was a reason that I was married to my ex. I used to think it was so that I would know a good thing when I saw it, but that’s barely scratching the surface. Over the last three years, God has brought so many hurting women into my life, and because of my experience, I was able to strengthen their faith and encourage them in the fact that God is so much bigger than our circumstances! I know that with patience, and continually trusting God’s will in my life, I will meet a man that I won’t have to say “He’s everything I need, except…” It’s not a feeling that I have. It’s something that I’ve seen. I don’t have to seek it out. I will seek God’s will, and He will provide in a way that I wouldn’t dare ask for!

How Josh Hartnett Made Me the Woman I Am Today

This is going to be a strange blog post, but I am so filled with nostalgia, that I feel I may burst. I was reading a People Magazine, today, and on the last page, I saw a small piece on Josh Hartnett. I immediately became giddy, like a neat-freak that gets to scrub a bathtub (that's really freaking giddy)! I've been in lust with Hartnett since I first laid eyes on him, in The Faculty. For those of you that haven't seen this gem of a film, it's just fantastic, and stars some of Hollywood's household names: Elijah Wood, Jordana Brewster, Clea DuVall, Famke Janssen, Usher Raymond, Salma Hayek, Jon Stewart, and, of course, Josh Hartnett. I saw this movie, the first time, when I was probably thirteen or fourteen, and completely fell in love! There are aliens, obscure drug use, a muscle car, conspiracy theories, teenage outcasts, and a hunky, reluctant hero. When it played on TV, I had to stay up late and record it onto a VHS tape, which I quickly wore out! Anyway, I digress. 

As I am apt to do, when I run across someone that piques my interest, I found out everything I could about that person. With Josh, it was a strange and exciting journey. I found that the hairdresser on the set of The Faculty got completely fed up with Hartnett, because when he is homesick, or thinking, or kind of... whenever, he rubs the back of his head, and turns his hair into a beautiful mess. He loved (loves?) reading poetry by Lawrence Ferlinghetti, and listening to Marvin Gaye and The Beach Boys. While other girls were hitting the mall, I was begging my mom to take me to the library, so I could read poetry, and try to figure out what it meant to me. While other teenagers were obsessed with the one hit wonders of our day (90's music is AWESOME, btw), I was searching for tapes of Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. 

As a young, impressionable girl, I was fascinated. As a not so young, and mature woman, I am grateful. The fact that this man is so strikingly handsome, and so secure in his odd skin is a beautifully irresistible combination to me. He instilled in me, in a way that others couldn't, that it was breathtaking to be interesting. That there was nothing sexier than being your own, unique, and salient, self. I could not have asked for a more brilliant mentor than this man. 

So, wherever you are, Josh, thank you for making me the sapio-sexual individual that I am today. Also, I partly blame you for the fact that I've been single these last few years. If a man can't be comfortable in his own skin, or he's just another Abercrombie model, he's not for me. I want the Renaissance man that can match my genuine uniqueness with his own.

P.s.
I have to
rave about his other roles, specifically in O and Lucky
Number Slevin! This guy is just awesome! ;)

An Inquiry to My Future Husband

    Sometimes, I wonder about you. When it’s quiet, and I’m left with only my thoughts to keep me company, I try to imagine what you’re like... Have we met? If so, was it bad timing, or are we friends? If we haven’t met, how will that happen? At a crazy metal concert, or in a crowded dance club? At a friend of a friend’s birthday party, or walking down the hallways at school? Maybe at the bookstore or Church. What color are your eyes? Do we like the same music? What are your interests? Do you like hiking and camping, or jazz music and poetry readings? Is it a combination of interests that make you the most interesting man I could ever want to be around? Do you like Mexican food? ‘Cause that’s kinda important. Are you funny, sarcastic, intelligent? Do you play an instrument, video games, or sports? Will you think that my road rage is adorable? Will you like that the books on my bookshelf have to be organized by height? Does the fact that I’m semi-human, but still smiling, before my first cup of coffee delight you? Will you want to travel with me? Will we have babies? Will we meet while I can still have babies? Lol. Will your parents like me? Will you know what to do when I get sad, or miss my daddy? Will you know what to do when my Irish takes over, and my temper comes out? Are you a dog person? Will you make grand, romantic gestures, or leave ‘I love you’ post-its on the bathroom mirror? Can you cook? Are you patient? Will our friends get along? Is our relationship going to start quickly, or will it be savored over time? There are so many more things that I am curious about, but the one thing that I’ll never have to wonder on is if you love God. I know that you will strengthen my faith, with your example and leadership. I know that God is making you perfect for me, and me perfect for you. So I sit back and ponder all these things, while waiting as patiently as an Irish woman can.