It's two o'clock in the morning on a Friday night, I had just finished dancing with some of my girlfriends and was heading home to my nice warm bed, when I got a text message. The invitation was flattering, exciting, and familiar, all at once. You see, this attractive man and I had a history. We'd sent each other these kinds of late night messages before, and used each other for friendly comfort in the past.
Let me say that I'm not necessarily proud of this past behavior. I had been divorced for about a year and a half, the first time this man and I "connected". In my marriage, there were some skewed views of sex and I had left that relationship feeling a bit like Pavlov's dog: manipulated, no sense of self, and drooling every time some idiot rang a bell. In walked this really nice, sexy, intelligent guy that wanted to take me home. So yeah, I had sex with a guy that I wasn't married to. I should probably spout a bunch of stuff saying that it was a mistake and it left me feeling empty, but that's not how it happened. I felt really confident for the first time since my ex had started abusing me. I realized that there was no correlation between being abused and being "loved". I knew in my body and soul that I was worth someone's love. This is not everyone's path, but it was mine.
What did I do when this man messaged me, Friday? I said "not now". I told myself that I was just feeling grody at the moment, and we could "get together" some other time. The next morning, I woke up berating myself: "What the heck were you thinking?!? You could have gotten laid last night!" All day, I had these thoughts running through my head, and I really couldn't grasp what had come over me! I mean, I really liked this guy! All I would have had to do was drive to his house instead of mine, and I could have gotten rid of some of the stress I'd been carrying, but I said no! Sheesh!
Today, I got up and went to church, still a little baffled. I'm sitting there, listening to the message, and God just pops in my head! He says, "Why did you say no to that man, Candace?" and I'm all "I just wasn't feeling it, Lord... Wait a minute! Why are we talking about this? This is embarrassing, and not something I really want You looking into". He comes back with "I knew when you were with him before, and I did not judge you. I have not changed. So why did you say no to him this time?" At this point, I'm practically blushing as I reply "You know me, you know my heart, you know why I said no." With wisdom in His voice, he says "Ah, I do know, but do you?" I'm sunk! I have no idea why! I had been racking my brain for a reason I would turn this guy down, and nothing was coming to me! All of a sudden, it was like being in the eye of the tornado. All of the thoughts and excuses were whirling around me, and there I sat in silence with the epiphany that God granted to me. "I want Your best, God. I want the one that You're preparing for me. Why eat the rotting fruit laying on the ground, when You are preparing a magnificent feast, just for me? I want to obey You. Your will be done."
I'm still not sure how I feel about discussing my sex life (or lack there of) with my Heavenly Father, but maybe that's the point. Should I be involved in something that I don't want to discuss with my Creator? I've been a Christ follower for 22 years, and He still amazes me, and helps me grow in Him, every day. I know that I am a stronger person than I have ever been. I know that I would not be as strong without faith in an ever-loving, never-changing God.
I don't know why I felt compelled to share this story. It's not like me to be so public about something like this. Maybe there's someone out there that will benefit from my experience.
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