Cheesecake, The Fountainhead and "John"

Have you ever noticed that books and relationships are like food? Stay with me here.
     Popcorn for example. Steady munching until you get to the bottom of the bowl. Not necessarily a meal or really substantial at all, but tasty none the less. Tacos? Plow through! Man, they taste so good, and they're hot and the taco juice is dripping down your arms, and you just can't wait to get to the next one. They fill you up and you're super stoked about the margarita special. Chinese food? You can eat and eat and eat and be so stuffed that you think you may actually explode. The minute you leave the restaurant however, that feeling is gone and you realize that while it tastes good, it will never actually satisfy you in the long term. Then there's turtle cheesecake. You could spend an hour eating the sliver that is on your plate. You actually get pleasure just by looking at it in anticipation of the next bite. It melts in your mouth, and even though it's amazing, you would never actually have more than one slice in a single sitting, because it would ruin the magic somehow.
     Fox in Socks is a super fun book. It may not go down on the list of "classics" that everyone is required to read to make people all think the same, but you laugh, your tongue gets tied in knots and in the end you realize that maybe taking a chance on something new and different isn't all bad. Even if originally you think that you "would not could not with a fox". *Wiggles eyebrows* The Harry Potter series? Oh man! Once you get in that world, you can't get enough! Every step the characters take is magical and so much different than your own, or is it surprisingly similar? You laugh, cry, smile, get pissed and confused, but above all, you enjoy the journey with these unlikely friends that you've made along the way. The Girl with The Dragon Tattoo series? While you're in it, you're taken over by the mystery and politics of the world. The things that happen are like some sort of bizarre train wreck that you would hope would never happen to you, but you can't seem to look away from. You love it while you're there, but when you're done, you realize that you don't ever have to read it again because you've learned all you can from it. The Fountainhead? Everyone tells you that the author is evil and crazy, you read it anyway. Nothing is like you expect it to be. It's real life but surreal at the same time. You think about reading it all the time, but when you sit down to dig in, two chapters go by and you're satisfied. You don't want to rush. You want to contemplate every word because it brings new light into your world. If you read it too fast, you may miss something, and somehow you feel as if that would be a crime committed against yourself.
     "Brad". He's hot. He sees you dancing at the club, and wants to join. He boosts your confidence because of said hotness, you dance the night away. The next day you don't remember his name or anything about him because you know he's not forever, just for that brief moment. "Steve". He's new and interesting. You spend every waking moment thinking about him and what he would say or do in any given situation. You may even daydream about "what if". In the end, you both realize that you're not to be involved romantically. You may be friends forever, or you may look back on him occasionally and think fondly of the times you had together. "Ryan". He seems like everything you want. Cute, smart, funny. You get caught up in the whirlwind. You make plans together. Everything's perfect, until it's not. He turns out to be exactly what you don't want. The relationship that used to glitter in the sun is now toxic and suffocating. It was a fast burning candle and you are lucky to have escaped with your life. "John". He's so palatable to you, and you don't know anything about him. You're interested in his views on everything, but don't ask because you are happy to go with the flow. You throw out the rule book with him because he gives you that confidence to just be in the moment. When you do think of him, there's not an anxious bone in your body. You don't feel like you have to know what he's been doing at every moment, because if it's important, it will make the headlines when you see each other again. It seems like you have all the time in the world to savor every moment.

The Tale of The Sunflower Named Rose

The Tale of The Sunflower Named Rose

There once was a young sunflower that bloomed in a field. This sunflower’s name was Rose. She didn’t know much at that point, but she knew that her Creator had placed her there for a reason. The reason she was in this field, she was quite certain, was to make people smile. As if by looking at her, she could somehow reflect the goodness and joy and beauty of the world. When she woke every day, Rose would seek out the sun, and put a glowing smile on her face. Sometimes people would walk by and exclaim “My, what a beautiful flower! So happy and bright!” and while Rose didn’t always believe what the people said, she stood tall and jovial none the less. Now this went on for several years, and while Rose had problems like every flower, rocks trying to get in the way of her growth and that sort of thing, she was content. She knew that she was doing the right thing by standing in her field, making people feel happy when they were in her presence.

One day, a man walked by. He was one of the people that was usually the first to exclaim at Rose’s wonderful demeanor. She stood up tall and bright, seeking the sun, as he passed, but instead of feeling good, he became angry, because this sunflower was so happy, and he was not. He continued to walk by every day and became increasingly dismal in his attitude. Rose didn’t know what to do. She felt as if she had failed. As if somehow, she wasn’t good enough, that she must have developed some flaw to make this man so unhappy. She started waking up with a sense of un-sureness about her. Her Creator would whisper all sorts of wonderful things to her in the wind. How she was loved, and that no one should make her feel as if she was anything less than a perfect gem, but the feelings of inadequacy remained. As the years passed, Rose would think about the wonderful things that were said in the wind, and she would try ever so hard to remain something beautiful to look at, and be around. She didn’t want anyone else to discover this mystery flaw that the man had found, and she started to wonder if she would ever feel whole again. Time passed this way for quite a while. People would still walk by and exclaim wonderful things about her, but Rose knew that she was a fraud. That try as she might, she was never as happy as she seemed.

She continued to put on a brave face to the world, and one day a handsome boy came to visit her field. This boy stood out to Rose. “If I can make him happy.” She thought “Then I will prove to myself that the man was wrong.” So that was her new purpose, to make this handsome boy the happiest person in her world. Every day she would wake with only his happiness in mind. When storms came, she would face them head on, trying to shield the boy from the rain and the lightning.  It made her feel alive to pour all of this goodness into someone else, and she expected that when the boy was truly happy, that his happiness would overflow back into her life. Unfortunately, this was not the case. The boy started calling Rose names, awful names that reminded her of the secret flaw, of all her inadequacies and insecurities. She thought that she would stay strong and continue to pour goodness into the boy. If she could do that, things would get better, and no one would need to know how unhappy she felt at that moment. Things didn’t get better. In fact, they got worse. The boy became jealous when people walked through the field and said nice things about his sunflower. How dare they be able to look at something that was his? The boy became enraged and built a cage around Rose. He let vile things spill from his lips, and Roses cage became darker and more solitary, and every day she believed, a little more, the things that he said to her.

Rose’s Creator watched these events from the sky. It saddened Him to think that she believed this was her fate. That she had forgotten herself, and the purpose that He had placed within her. He was distraught that this boy had twisted her wish to make him happy, into a death wish. He watched for many years, and never left her side. He knew, in His wisdom, that Rose would need to break free on her own if she was going to regain a sense of herself again. He waited and watched and whispered merciful goodness to her through the wind.

Rose was in complete surrender to the boy. She thought that if she did what the boy wanted, and hid her beauty from the world, that he would realize that her only dream, was of his happiness.

The Creator couldn’t watch Rose’s turmoil any more. He sent a couple into Rose’s field one day while the boy was away. The couple came to her cage and asked her what was wrong. She couldn’t tell them at first. She was such a failure. Her one goal had been to make the boy happy, and she had failed so miserably. The couple remained there, asking what was wrong. Eventually Rose told them of her unhappiness, and she took all the blame on herself. “I don’t love him the way that he needs. It’s my fault that he is so miserable.” The couple listened to Rose’s story of the man and then the boy and that she didn’t know how she had become this empty shell. They told her that these men had pushed their own feelings of inadequacy on to her. They gently reminded her of the person that she once was, and the person she could be again. Rose felt a peace wash over her that she hadn’t felt in years. Suddenly, it all became clear.

The very next day, Rose told the boy that although she loved him very much, she could not allow him to be in her field anymore. She didn’t cry, and was not emotional about it, for she had become completely numb through the years. This simple fact scared her more than all the time of torture. How had she become so numb? Would she ever feel anything again?

Every day after the boy left the field, Rose tried to remember who she was. She still felt as if she were in the dark clutches of the cage, but every once in a while, a piece of that cage would fall to the ground. The cage became walls. Rose could finally stand up straight again, and see the people, as they could see her, but she couldn’t allow anyone to get close to her. She still needed the walls to protect her from getting hurt, or falling for someone else’s lies. The Creator never left her, and reminder her daily that she was His most amazing creation, that she was perfect in His sight, and that He would never ever leave her. She became stronger and let her walls down a few times. Most of the time she got hurt, but reminded herself that even feelings of sadness were preferable to no feelings at all.

I visited Rose today in her field. She is happy and no longer has even a shadow of that old cage. She wakes every day to find the sun on her face, and knows that she can make people feel better with just a simple smile. She has become even stronger and more beautiful because she has suffered. She is open, and does not worry of heartbreak, or pain, for she knows that, with the help of her Creator, she will not only survive, but grow through the storms. She has blossomed into a flower that far surpasses the one she was before. She is vivid. Full of life and thankful for every breath she breathes.

Conundrum

Floating.
I feel my mind drift
Across mountains and valleys
Oceans and deserts.
I am happy.
I am content.
I am restless.
I feel I am on the verge
Of the rest of my life.
Like dreams that I didn't know existed
Are suddenly within my grasp.
As though possibilities are endless
And skies are clear.
Simultaneously with these
Feelings of wellness
I see a storm
Looming in the distance.
My heart says "Enjoy the moment!"
"Seize the good day while it's here!"
While my mind is plagued
With the knowledge of
Approaching turmoil.
Will my heart stand up to my mind?
Which of these opponents
Will win out in the end?
I feel as if to
Follow my heart
Will take me right to
The eye of the storm
Facing its rage head on
Leaving me bruised and battered.
While listening to my mind
Is more safe.
It is the cowards way.
What lesson will I learn
By trying to avoid the storm?
By skirting around the doom
That I can see
What tragedy will I meet
In the blackness?
"I will not cower!"
I scream at the clouds
And the thunder and lightning
That grow increasingly loud.
"I will face you and come out on
The other side
Stronger and more resilient
Than before!"


~Me