I'm angry. In my last post I explained about how someone very close to me had been given a terminal diagnosis. At first I wasn't dealing with this information at all. Push it down, don't think about it, get distracted by anything else. I guess now I'm in the angry phase. Who am I angry with? My ex-husband. Weird right? We have been apart for almost a year and a half, and I have not had any ill feelings toward him until recently. I guess when I got this news, I needed to tell someone that would understand. Someone that it was okay to be weak around. Even though our relationship sucked, I knew that I could go to him with whatever I was dealing with at the time, and he would be there. It's not like him listening fixed anything, but he knew how I processed things. I was looking through some photo albums recently, and seeing the pictures of the good times between us really made me mad. When I said "I do", I was prepared to be with this man forever. We had a future. We had plans. Now what? Because of his addiction to drugs and his abuse, I am now supposed to go through life by myself? I'm okay not being with anyone, but it sucks that he changed the plans we had made together. I am sad and angry for the couple that we started out as. We had stars in our eyes, and a wonderful future ahead of us. It didn't matter if we were broke and living in my parents basement. We had each other, and that should have been enough.
I'm also mad about the fact that I'm angry. I'm a happy person, doggonit! It's highly irritating to have these uncontrollable emotions of angst.
So... That's what's been on my mind lately. Thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully the next post will be from a more up-beat place emotionally.
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