Dream

Last night I had a traumatic and telling dream about my current emotional and mental state.

                I was in a drugstore. I was walking in around and there was a long line to talk to the pharmacist. The pharmacist seemed inexperienced. They were on the phone with someone, and their conversation was being broadcast over the loudspeakers. The person on the phone kept saying in a weak and terrified voice that they were hemorrhaging and were going to die. They were begging for help. The pharmacist obviously couldn’t help and seemed completely overwhelmed. The people in line kept looking at the pharmacist like they should be able to do something for this poor caller. Finally, the pharmacist blurted out, “You’re going to go to heaven, don’t worry!” Then there was a dial tone.

I think I am represented by all four people or groups in the dream.

                Me as the pharmacist: One of my dream interpretation books says that a pharmacist can represent changes. There are a lot of changes in my life right now and I’m feeling overwhelmed by them, just as the pharmacist is overwhelmed by the caller. The line of people looking at me could represent expectations of my (home)work ethic and not being able to meet those expectations. The pharmacist could also represent me as a future health professional and the feeling of not knowing how to or be able to help someone in crisis. I think telling the caller that they would go to heaven represents hope that good things are coming and maybe could even lead to a rebirth.

                Me as me: I think me as an observer could represent a lack of control and/or feelings about my train wreck of a life right now.

                Me as a person in line: I think this represents feeling as though my needs are not important enough to put myself first and looking/feeling selfish if I tried. Surprisingly, waiting isn’t in any of my dream books.

                Me as the dying person: I feel like I’m bleeding out (energy/life force/time) and no one can stop it, including me. No one can help. The books say that blood can represent passion. Possibly that I feel I’m already losing passion for this career and not being able to control that. Bleeding can represent that fortune will turn against me. My last dream book agrees with my interpretations and all the other symbol interpretations. Loss of life, love, passion, and fortune with no control.

                Super.

Word Cloud

     I haven't written anything except a few admissions essays in so long that the keyboard seems foreign to me, so please forgive any missteps. The last several years I have been in a very negative headspace, and I haven't wanted to dump my broken spirit into a blog post. Today it feels like too much and that I have to get it out or I may burst.     

    I have been getting back into journaling again recently for the reasons listed above. It helps to put the chaos on paper so that I can sort my feelings out and put words to them. Since November 27th I have started a pattern that is beginning to seem permanent. There's this thing called a Word Cloud. It basically takes the most common words you use on social media and arranges them in a random order in a picture. Some are vertical, some horizontal, and some sideways. The more often you use the words, the bigger they are. My word clouds used to have words like Love and Faith as the biggest words in that picture. The pattern I am beginning to notice in my journaling is that my biggest words now are, Angry, Exhausted, and Overwhelmed.

    I am so angry and bitter these days. Angry with God, angry with Covid, angry with Trump, angry with incompetent assholes, angry with my brother, and angry with my mom. I'm so angry in fact that the word has developed semantic satiation to me and has become just a noise in my world. Anger has simply become part of the soundtrack of my life. 

    I'm angry with God because my mom had so much faith that it killed her. She believed in them so much that she ignored science and her daughters' pleading because she KNEW that God would protect her from Covid. Angry with God because she got Covid at a women's Christian retreat. Angry with God for allowing her to be taken from me. 

    I'm angry with Covid because I hadn't seen my mom in person for almost a year when she died. That's almost a year of hugs and lunch dates, and zoo trips that I will never have.

    I was angry with Trump for a myriad of reasons before my mom died. The misinformation that he spewed about Covid was the last straw for me. Fuck him. 

    I'm angry with incompetent assholes because, well, they're incompetent assholes. Before my mom died, I would give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they didn't get enough sleep, maybe their bank account was in the negative, maybe their goddamned coffee maker broke. I would let their rude behavior slide off me like water off a duck's back. These days I find myself barely restraining the urge to cuss them out or come over the counter at them.

     As with Trump, my brother has not been my favorite person for a very long time. I vividly remember the last day I trusted him. I was probably six and at my grandparents’ house. The legs of one of my beloved Breyers horses had been broken off. My grandmother said they looked like they had been sawed off and Josh was the only person in the house that could have done it. I fought her vehemently over her accusation. How could she think that my little brother would choose to do something to hurt me? He later confessed. I was heartbroken. That was the last day I ever trusted my brother. He has lied, stolen from, and used my mom (and others) for almost every day of his life. He encouraged her to put herself in danger during Covid so that he could continue to abuse her generosity. Since her death he has started fights with his two remaining family members numerous times, to the point that we only communicate with him when absolutely necessary. He has not lifted a single finger to help with cleaning out her house or dealing with her estate. He has instead called us self-righteous cunts, bad daughters, and has continued to lie about the simplest of things. I'm mad that he will receive the house he lives in free and clear while the house I inherited has to be sold off to pay a mountain of debts, the mortgage, and lawyer's fees, among other things. He hasn't helped us in the wake of her death, and he didn't help our mom in her life. I could go on, and on, and on about the reasons my brother is a scumbag, but I don't want to waste any more time on him.

    I'm angry with my mom. Why couldn't she just be safe?? Why did she ignore science, doctors, and her daughters so that she wouldn't be inconvenienced? I'm so angry that she left us. I'm angry that she was a hoarder. I'm angry that it took my sister and I six months of commuting four and six hours to clean out her house. I'm angry that we had to spend thousands of dollars on dumpster rentals to haul away all the junk she stored and there is still a garage full of shit that we couldn't afford to clear out. I'm angry that her "friends" had her store things for ten plus years and who only communicated with her after her death through us. All they wanted was their stuff. I'm angry that her hoarding made it where we will barely get enough money from that house to pay her debts. I'm angry that my dad made her a hoarder. That she felt she had to build physical walls around herself to keep his abuse from touching her. I'm angry that she continued to let him ruin her life long after their divorce and his death. I'm angry that she only started living her life a couple years before she died. I'm angry that she was generous to her own detriment. She attracted the worst users and abusers. To the point that we had to get her church involved to evict the woman who was living in her house rent free for MONTHS after her death and months before it. I'm angry that her death meant nothing to most of her "friends." Somehow that wasn't enough of a wakeup call to make them believe that Covid is real. I'm angry that someone very close to her stood in her driveway and told us that the thing that killed my mom was "fake news." I'm so angry with her that she left us.

    I'm exhausted and overwhelmed because of all the things listed above. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted because we were finally starting to rebuild our lives after years of medical disasters and their effects when she died. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed because I have fallen into deep depression again. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted by the fact that I will be moving to Philadelphia, PA in a month to start graduate school and there's no way these emotions won't affect my schooling. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed that I have spent months of my life completely immersed in stress, exhaustion, and overwhelming anger, with no end in sight. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed by the fact that I can't fall asleep without the TV on anymore because in that silence all I can hear is the ER doctor telling me that they tried everything they could, but they couldn't revive her. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed because the universe seems to take pleasure in kicking the living shit out of me.

Facebook: The Guest Room of My Life

The other day, I was talking to yet another friend that was leaving social media. He cited many reasons for his departure, but the primary complaint that I heard was that people were fake and that he felt like he was constantly concerned with how many "likes" or comments he would receive when posting something. I've had this conversation with many before and it always leaves me perplexed. I LOVE my Facebook! I don't understand when people say the mean things they say about it. These feelings got me thinking about why I love my account so much. Here's what rolled around my brain:

I honestly feel like Facebook is the guest room of my life. I can decorate it however I want and I can invite my friends and family into chosen aspects of my life. We can have community, talk, share pictures and stories, and learn new things about each other. It has also become a huge blessing to me because I can influence the thoughts and feelings of those that I care about with minimal time and effort. I wish I had more time to devote to this task but, let's be honest, I am busier than Santa's coal miners at Christmas! That doesn't mean I don't want to be connected to you! <3 <3 <3

I am more open about my life than most. I share things that are embarrassing if they will make you laugh. If I can help heal the hurt in someone else's life by sharing some hurt in my own then I will. If I think that someone could benefit from a mistake or a struggle that I am dealing with, I will tell you about it! I feel like if more people were honest about their struggles maybe the world wouldn't feel so alone. I still keep a lot of details private but the general idea is there and if someone sends me a private message to talk further, I am an open book. I am told on about a weekly basis by at least one person that they love my page. My friends will tell me that if they're having a bad day, they can always count on me to post something inspiring or funny to lighten their moods. That is an incredibly powerful tool and gift that I am extremely grateful for. 

The majority of people in my collection of friends are people that I've actually interacted with in real life, but there are a few that I haven't had that face to face meeting with yet. I have become friends with a few of the absolute sweetest people on earth through FB. One reason is that I am kind of fanatical about a couple of bands and if someone has something good to say about that band, I want to be their friend. They might actually understand my mania and my love for the rock-stars that I've come to know and love! This has brought me closer to a whole other variety of people that I never would have had the pleasure of meeting had it not been through social media. 

I also feel like I can learn SO much from the people in my little guest room! My friends are multi-cultural, eat different things, speak different languages, have different faiths, and had very different upbringings and ideas about the world. Despite all the differences between us, there is one thing that unites us: We're all human beings. I have started many discussions on a variety of "hot button" topics in my guest room but everyone knows that the one house rule that I enforce is respect. I value our diversity and think that these discussions can be a place of great meetings of the mind, if... everyone plays nice. Honestly, I hate it when someone states an opinion and the person next to them says, "Well that's wrong because I think this way." How is it that you have the only "right" opinion in the universe? Having a calm discussion with someone that thinks differently than you doesn't have to change what you believe. It might actually strengthen your beliefs or at the very least give you a new perspective and more compassion to see the world through.

There are a few reasons that I have banned people from this very special place. One is blatant attacks and disrespect of myself or one of my friends. Once again, I only have one rule in my house and that is to respect each other as living, breathing human beings. If you can't do that, you've got to leave. The other reason is basically a lack of character. If you're constantly being negative, rude, or talking badly about people in real life, we have nothing in common. Seriously, if you post cheery crap on your page all day and scroll through and talk junk to me about all of your friends, I assume that you're doing the exact same thing to me, and that's just not cool. I think I've probably unfriended 5 people over the last decade or so, not even including my ex-husband, who unfriended me! So don't be worried if you've been having a bad week and think I just ax people, willy-nilly. 

To wrap it all up, I love you guys! I want to thank you for staying in my little room! I hope that it is a warm, cozy, and inviting stay, and one that you'll want to come back to frequently! YOU enrich my life just by being who you are! Thank you for being my friend! 

Wow.

Yesterday morning, I woke up with the previous day's makeup still smudged on my face. My hair was unkempt when I wandered out to my love, and the cup of coffee he had already prepared for me. After some waking up time, he helped me lift weights. Later, I sat down in my pajamas with a bit of dried sweat on my forehead, ready to eat my breakfast of spaghetti and meatballs. We were talking about something, probably our plans for the day, not really sure now... Anyway, he's looking at me, in all of the glorious splendor that I just described, and he stops mid sentence and says "You are so beautiful, honey." He was so sincere, that I actually teared up.
There are moments that I am completely overwhelmed by the love that we share.

Why I'm In No Hurry To Marry My Husband

    I had been praying for my husband, diligently, for about a
 year before we met. I had grown tired of having my heart
 broken by men that I thought were good enough, and realized
 that I needed to wait on God to reveal the man that He made
 for me. My prayer was that if a man wasn't right for me,
 that there would be no mutual interest. That was a lonely
 request, at times, but I was determined to stay faithful. I
 learned a lot in that time. I grew closer to God, became
 more in touch with my true needs and desires, and gained a
 bit more patience. On June 29th, 2014, I sat down with my
 coffee and a notebook, and dreamt up the perfect man for me.
 I prayed while writing each of the 31 character traits that
 I would want in a man, and then I took that list, put it in
 a box and forgot about it. Nine short days later my
 gentleman walked right into my lobby.

    He was tall, fit, and gorgeous. Aviators, tight black jeans,
 a mess of slightly tamed curly hair, and a beautiful Zen
 guitar tattoo on his forearm. I almost drooled. He was
 delivering a catering order to a meeting upstairs, and while
 I verified the location to send the food, I went in for the
 kill. He will laugh when he reads that, but I wanted him, so
 I flirted. And he flirted back! I went to the restaurant,
 that Saturday, and he recognized me, crossed the room, and
 introduced himself to me and my mom. I left my number for
 him, and bolted as soon as we finished our food. He texted
 me that evening and, with full sentences and punctuation,
 asked if he could call at a certain time. I almost had a
 heart attack.

    The relationship blossomed from there. We recognized each
 other, almost immediately, as what we'd been looking for. He
 came over to my house, one evening, and asked what the date
 was, and declared that it was going to be our official
 anniversary. The next morning, I was looking for something,
 and came across my list. The perfect man that I had
 pictured? I wrote about him exactly one month before our
 "official anniversary"! With trembling hands I read the
 exact qualities that my (now official) boyfriend possessed.

    We have now been together for six months. I can honestly say
 that it has been one of the most challenging relationships
 I've ever been in, and by far the most rewarding. Where one
 of us is weak, the other is strong. This man is my partner,
 mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. He not
 only loves me for the ways that I'm great, but also for my
 flaws. He inspires me to pursue my dreams, and to better
 myself. When I am feeling down or confused, he encourages me
 to seek God's will.  We trust each other. When I ache
 from my brutal desk job, he draws a warm bath, and brings me
 cheeseburgers while I'm soaking and reading. He tells me
 that I'm beautiful, every day. We have equal household
 duties. He values my opinion, and seeks out my advice. He
 wants me to make time to nurture my friendships, and
 relationships with people that aren't him. He's endlessly
 interesting, achingly talented, tirelessly kind, wickedly funny,
 and so hot! Did I mention that the man is a sexy beast?

    The point is: He is my husband, in every way that matters.
 We have committed ourselves to each other, in the sight of God.
 We make each other better people. I am more secure, and more
 loved, than I have ever been in a romantic relationship.
 It's open, and honest, and free, in a way that I've never
 experienced. I've been married on paper before, but now I've
 been blessed with the real thing.

The Sarai Mentality

            I just got back from an hour and a half long walk with my dog. A month ago, even the thought of that much activity was impossible. What’s changed? My job, but on another level, my whole outlook on life. I went from working an extremely physically and mentally exhausting position, to a desk job. The spiritual journey that this shift led me on was enlightening, to say the least.

            Several months back, I was drained to the point of empty. My job at the hospital was something that was very rewarding, but had become so hectic, that I was having to try and pump myself up, mentally, in between every patient, where in the past, that kind of pep talk was only required on Monday morning. My back and feet, literally, never stopped hurting. I lost almost all empathy, sympathy, and compassion for the people that I was taking care of. I would pray that people wouldn’t want to talk to me, because I just had no energy to keep that smile on my face. I was in school, and feeling frustrated because I felt, at the rate I was progressing, I’d graduate by the time I was eighty. Every spare minute was spent studying, and I wasn’t retaining much as I was so drained. Another thing that was killing me was living so far away from my family. Every weekend was spent agonizing over the fact that I desperately wanted to spend time with them, but couldn’t afford the gas that it would take to get me there. Sounds bleak, huh?

            I was so depressed that I was crying on an almost daily basis. My family and friends have no idea that I was this low. When I ended my marriage, I became more independent, when my dad died, I grew closer to God, every hard time I had ever been through had strengthened me, but for the last 6-8 months, I was dying inside, and couldn’t seem to crawl out of the funk that I was living in.

            I’ve always been a very take charge kind of person. If I want good grades, I study. If I want to drink good beer without worrying about the calories, I eat yogurt and granola bars for lunch. If I want to see back-to-back concerts, I ask for overtime so I can afford to go. Despite my strong faith, I had developed a bit of a Sarai complex. You know in the Bible, God promises to bless Abram with a whole mess of decedents, Sarai is like “We’re super old, maybe God wanted you to have kids with my handmaiden, Hagar…” I see the goal, and I want to make it happen. What’s wrong with giving God a little help, when He has bigger fish to fry? Everything.

            I knew that I needed a change, so I sought it out. I actually was hired on two separate occasions for jobs that I thought were “perfect” for me. Perfect, except that I would have to work third shift at first (No problem, more money!) Perfect, except I wouldn’t have Sundays off (I could join a Bible study!) Perfect, except… I was constantly making exceptions for things that weren’t right for me. After the last door was slammed in my face, I lost it. I cried and prayed for weeks. I didn’t understand why God was rubbing my nose in that fact that I was stuck and miserable. The first few weeks, that’s what my prayers consisted of: “I don’t understand.” Eventually, they sounded more like: “I don’t understand. Not my will though, God. Yours is the one I want.” After months, I came into this place of peace. When I would pray about the things that were weighing me down, they would turn into prayers of thanksgiving for the abundant blessings that I had been given, and the fact that God knows what I’m going through. He sees me. All the time. He also sees my future. I came to a point that I prayed, and really wanted God’s will in my life, and if this was it, than He would give me the strength to endure. A week passed and a woman that I had become friends with offered me a job. A job with no weekends, no physical labor, and a raise! What!?! I didn’t seek it out, I sought God’s will, and He provided in a way that I wouldn’t have dared ask for! I also moved closer to my family, and the rent is cheaper! What!?! I didn’t seek it out, I sought God’s will, and He provided in a way that I wouldn’t have dared ask for! Because of the new job, where I’m allowed to read at my desk, I was able to double my course load for next semester! What!?! I didn’t seek it out, I sought God’s will, and He provided in a way that I wouldn’t have dared ask for!

            I started looking at the rest of my life. Where else had the Sarai mentality taken over? I realized that I have made exceptions and excuses for male companions, my whole life! I know that there was a reason that I was married to my ex. I used to think it was so that I would know a good thing when I saw it, but that’s barely scratching the surface. Over the last three years, God has brought so many hurting women into my life, and because of my experience, I was able to strengthen their faith and encourage them in the fact that God is so much bigger than our circumstances! I know that with patience, and continually trusting God’s will in my life, I will meet a man that I won’t have to say “He’s everything I need, except…” It’s not a feeling that I have. It’s something that I’ve seen. I don’t have to seek it out. I will seek God’s will, and He will provide in a way that I wouldn’t dare ask for!

How Josh Hartnett Made Me the Woman I Am Today

This is going to be a strange blog post, but I am so filled with nostalgia, that I feel I may burst. I was reading a People Magazine, today, and on the last page, I saw a small piece on Josh Hartnett. I immediately became giddy, like a neat-freak that gets to scrub a bathtub (that's really freaking giddy)! I've been in lust with Hartnett since I first laid eyes on him, in The Faculty. For those of you that haven't seen this gem of a film, it's just fantastic, and stars some of Hollywood's household names: Elijah Wood, Jordana Brewster, Clea DuVall, Famke Janssen, Usher Raymond, Salma Hayek, Jon Stewart, and, of course, Josh Hartnett. I saw this movie, the first time, when I was probably thirteen or fourteen, and completely fell in love! There are aliens, obscure drug use, a muscle car, conspiracy theories, teenage outcasts, and a hunky, reluctant hero. When it played on TV, I had to stay up late and record it onto a VHS tape, which I quickly wore out! Anyway, I digress. 

As I am apt to do, when I run across someone that piques my interest, I found out everything I could about that person. With Josh, it was a strange and exciting journey. I found that the hairdresser on the set of The Faculty got completely fed up with Hartnett, because when he is homesick, or thinking, or kind of... whenever, he rubs the back of his head, and turns his hair into a beautiful mess. He loved (loves?) reading poetry by Lawrence Ferlinghetti, and listening to Marvin Gaye and The Beach Boys. While other girls were hitting the mall, I was begging my mom to take me to the library, so I could read poetry, and try to figure out what it meant to me. While other teenagers were obsessed with the one hit wonders of our day (90's music is AWESOME, btw), I was searching for tapes of Marvin Gaye and Tammi Terrell. 

As a young, impressionable girl, I was fascinated. As a not so young, and mature woman, I am grateful. The fact that this man is so strikingly handsome, and so secure in his odd skin is a beautifully irresistible combination to me. He instilled in me, in a way that others couldn't, that it was breathtaking to be interesting. That there was nothing sexier than being your own, unique, and salient, self. I could not have asked for a more brilliant mentor than this man. 

So, wherever you are, Josh, thank you for making me the sapio-sexual individual that I am today. Also, I partly blame you for the fact that I've been single these last few years. If a man can't be comfortable in his own skin, or he's just another Abercrombie model, he's not for me. I want the Renaissance man that can match my genuine uniqueness with his own.

P.s.
I have to
rave about his other roles, specifically in O and Lucky
Number Slevin! This guy is just awesome! ;)