Growth

   The last three years have been the hardest, yet most fulfilling years of my life. I left an abusive marriage, got robbed, started working at the hospital, got tattooed, bought a car, and a place to live, went back to school, tried to figure out what makes me really happy, and lost my father, grandmother, and uncle. Through all of this, I have had two anchors: One, my relationship with God. I cannot over-emphasize how much this relationship has impacted my life! He is my rock, source of strength, counselor, and the lap that I crawl into when I've felt like I can't possibly cry anymore. The second anchor has been music. I've always loved music, but that love has blossomed over these last years.
   Right after my ex and I broke up, my house was robbed. They took my laptop, cell phone, and iPod, among other things. The week that passed, before I was able to replace that iPod, was the longest week of my life. It was also the week that I found out that my dad had remarried without even a phone call to his kids. My life was upside-down. I couldn't breathe or think without the music to dull the pain. I wandered out to the local dance club because I needed to be somewhere that the music would drown my thoughts. This is where I learned that I'm a good dancer, where I met some very treasured friends, and where I started to regain some of my lost confidence.
   Right around this time, I had a boyfriend (officially) for four days. We had known each other since we were teenagers and he had recently moved back to town. He really liked this band called 10 Years, they were to have a concert at a local venue in a month, and he encouraged me to get a ticket. Not knowing that we wouldn't be together, I went ahead and purchased one. Well, he said he loved me, I freaked out, and we broke up. I was a bit of a commitment-phobe back then. Haha! The concert date approached and I was torn. Should I go, knowing he would be there? But... I had already spent the money. Thankfully, I went. That was the day I fell in love.
   Finding out that I could go somewhere and listen to incredible music and meet people that spoke the language of my soul was a totally new concept to me. I had gone to a DC Talk concert with my youth group, back in the day; It was expensive, and the band was so far away that we had to watch them on a big screen. The discovery that if I got there early, I could be close enough that the musician might sweat on me or hold my hand was mind blowing! As I said before, I had fallen in love, and found something that was truly mine. I've slowly brought my family into this experience, and it's now the preferred way that we spend quality time together. We have made incredible friendships with some amazingly talented, and genuinely, wonderful people. We've crafted memories that are unique and will bring smiles to our faces for the rest of our lives.
   Over the last year, one of the main questions that has been swirling through my life is: "Why? Why am I going through the hardest years of my life, alone?" Obviously, what's left of my family has been there, along with beautiful friends, new and old, but no one to help shoulder the weight. No one that would just hold me while I cried all those nights. What was the lesson? I used to think that the lesson was that I wasn't alone. God was, and is, always, there. He is the one that I should find comfort in. While this is so true, it still hadn't stilled the question on my heart. "Why must I walk alone?" I think the answer is listed above... Would I have had any of these experiences, had I been in a romantic relationship? No. I would have gone to my boyfriend's house when I was robbed. I would have been too reserved to rock out like a maniac at that first concert. I wouldn't have talked to anyone, especially not musicians, in case my man got jealous. I would have been an amazing girlfriend, but it wouldn't have made me into the incredibly confident, and quirky, strong woman that I am today. So, while I still have those lonely times in my life, I wouldn't trade this time of growth for anything.